Saturday, January 30, 2010


Since I 've started writing more I can feel more of what has not been said brewing deep with in. Waiting for me to acknowledge it, hoping that I will start to uncover the layers allowing it to breathe and possibly even speak its truth. When I was eight my real mother died, after that I said to the deepest part of my soul, "I can't. I can't go on if she hasn't. It wouldn't be fair." I didn't realize I have been holding on to this deep seeded belief, that if she can't succeed in life I don't deserve to succeed either. This is both deeply saddening and extremely silly all in the same moment! It is the eight year old in me that needs to be healed and re parented. She wants to be encouraged and supported. She wants a safe place to try and fail, and try again till she gets it. With this she never wants to be judged, just simply loved unconditionally.

I am really realizing on some profound level, we create our own TRUTH! For whatever reason in most of our lives, we tell ourselves things that most likely are not encouraging or supportive. It seems, some how along the journey of growing up, some one's else's crap became ours. I didn't just decide, I claimed. I thought by wearing it and going through the same thing I was being supportive and doing my duty as a daughter. I had been taught many years ago that suffering doesn't serve anyone. If I want to serve from deep with in then give light to those around me. In other words be true to my soul. Listen to what it wants. By honoring it you honor the world. I encourage you with a gentle nudge to honor that which is in you and I will do the same.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Happy Birthday Family

Today our Josie Rose turned four! As I said a sweet happy birthday to my darling girl, I couldn't help but say happy birthday family. I believe we are all interconnected in a deep spiritual way. That our hearts have gold strings attached to each other so that we may know the love that is shared between us in the deepest way possible. That her celebration of turning four is our celebration of getting her to the age of four. So much love and energy our put into raising and creating a family. Making sure all needs are met from every persons perspective.

I am awed by the experience of when ones heart is opened to unconditional love it can't help but hurt and love so greatly all in the same moment. I didn't know I was capable of loving so deeply until our sweet Josie Rose came along. This amazing child has chiseled away at the stone wall that once surrounded my heart. For this I am forever grateful. I am eagerly waiting for the day I can share with my daughter that she has been the most amazing gift of love from God. Till then I will surround her in gold strings fearlessly protecting the love that flows from me to her.


Sunday, January 24, 2010


Now that I have admitted I am resisting my greater yet too be, I must tackle the fear that comes with this truth. I have lived in fear many many years not being conscious of what I am fearing. I read some where that "fear is the anticipation of future pain". Reflecting on the words "future pain" I can't help but think that must mean their is a part of my Psyche once again that believes in order to claim and accept my greater yet to be it has to be painful.

Fear paralizes me until something greater than myself wraps its arms around me surrounding me like a warm mist. It is then that my eyes can see what I am fearing and my heart can finally feel what it has needed too in order to heal. Most of the time it's a deep hidden saddness of loss. When this saddness reveals itself I know I must allow for it to be experienced. It is only after this that I can start to take action towards my greater yet to be with more grace and ease.

So I thank you spirit for the gift of healing!


Saturday, January 23, 2010

Resisting My Greater Yet Too Be

I am resisting! I am aware of it on some level but not too its depth. But mostly the truth is when I sit and connect to the light from within I am resisting my greater yet too be. I am afraid to be great. What will people think? It seems safer to tell myself I can't, then to tell myself I can. I am not entirely sure where this believe came from or if its mine alone. Meaning could this believe been passed down from others and my consciousness believed some piece of it so it attached itself to it. At what point do I start to tell my story and not care about being judged or feel embarrassed?

I do know this, the part of my soul that wants the greater yet to be is speaking more loudly these days. Much louder than the part of my soul that is resisting. I can't help but acknowledge this truth. I am learning to behold myself which means acknowledging my souls deep truth of who it is. I am a spiritual teacher, I have the great gift of deeply knowing and feeling spiritual truths. For this I am deeply grateful knowing that this gift has served me many times all the while chanting...

Oh radiant light
From within and without
I will magnify you!

So the light within me honors the light within you!


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Yoga Anger Yoga

I forget things, I seem to be really good at that until my body reminds me I feel a certain way deep inside. I committed to doing hot yoga twice a week. It's the one way I feel I can get in a good work out but also give myself the space to reconnect with my body. When we make the conscious effort to be in our body we must also feel what our body is feeling. Anger seems to be the word of choice to describe how I feel when digging deep into my soul right in the middle of a room that is over 100 degrees.

I am not happy about feeling so angry but I know it is something I must face. The truth is I am afraid of my anger, I am afraid to know the truth behind it. Who am I really that angry with? I can admit I am angry with myself but to admit I am angry with God for taking my birth mother seems crazy for a person who has such a deep spiritual belief. I mourn my mother now more than ever, since having my own beautiful daughter. So I do what I know how to do and say, "I forgive you God" from my heart and then that same heart turns around and says, "Thank you God for the gift of life."


Monday, January 18, 2010

Birds of a feather flock together...

As I was driving home from my fabulous birthday gathering last night, the phrase "Birds of a feather flock together" popped in to my thoughts. Growing up it was a phrase my mother would throw at me often, trying to get the point across "your friends are a reflection of who you are." I did not always agree with this statement. I had a tendency to feel for the troubled kids, so I would befriend them. Somewhere deep inside I felt that I could relate to their brokenness, it felt safe to know I wasn't the only one so broken.

It seems that my story line has changed and I didn't even notice it! The friends who I had spent my entire weekend with during different events are the most fabulous, kind, wondrous, creative beings. I am so blessed and grateful that these individuals choose to be around me, allowing me to bask in their glorious essence.

So I say a deep heartfelt thank you to the universe for the blessing of amazing friendships!


Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I had the most amazing day yesterday of being guided to my greater good. I must share that I have had a long hidden desire to paint. This desire has been stuffed deep down inside me for a very long time. I had a vision of myself come to me many many years ago, I was painting a large red flower on this canvas and my being was one with the movement of the brush. Now mind you, I had never even picked up a paint brush.

Yesterday on my way to work I was thinking about if I would ever really be able to make it as an artist and what did that look like to me. I realized some aspect of self did not believe it was possible. So I did what I know to do best when a truth reveals itself. I declared out loud in the car to myself and the Universe I am an ARTIST and I will make a substantial living at this career one day.

So the same day I decided to go to Starbucks on my lunch, but not one I usually go to. As I pulled into the lot my eyes immediately caught sight of a store front that read "Artist Co Op". I was shocked to see this as I just stated my intention that morning. I was greeted by the most wonderful individual, who generously encouraged me to honor the artist with in. I left the store that afternoon with a definite yes in my heart that I too can have my dreams come true.

So I ask the question, What are your dreams?


Monday, January 11, 2010

Birthday Love

Today I felt so much love and appreciation for who I am. I have been celebrated by many friends, coworkers and family members. I am so grateful for the love that has shown itself today!
Thank you sweet spirit! I will remember the essence of the day, forever cherishing it.

That has not always been my story, I have not always noticed the love that was shown my way. I was tangled like a web in my own emotional state for many many years. I am awed by what healing ones Psyche can do. How I truly perceive my world differently. I am wearing myself much better these days. A bit more confident while feeling the roots of my tree silently growing from within.

So thank you God for the gift of self!


Sunday, January 3, 2010

"Our Greater Yet To Be"

In order to have our greater yet to be I believe the truth of what we are telling ourselves must be revealed. I have been told many times "the truth heals." It has taken a while for me to grasp this concept. If we face what we want with truth then the rest of what we are hiding behind starts to peal away like an onion, so the truth of who are can be revealed with much love and light.

I have given my own power away many times, not allowing for my own voice to be heard or the truth of what I want even be known. Sometimes its hard to know the truth when it is tangled up but if we take the time to sit quietly and reflect, it will show itself. So what will you do with answer from with in? Will you give it a voice or will you pretend you did not hear it?


Friday, January 1, 2010


I am delighted today! There is a beautiful light vibrating from within of happiness and content. I feel so blessed to be starting the new year with such ease and grace and mental clarity. Something I have struggled with for years!

I think its funny how I thought my intention for 2009 was just going to be done and I would pick up a new one to replace it. That is not at all what had happened last night, I was and still am letting go and releasing so that the good can flow into my life. I realized last night that an aspect of self has been denying itself fun and experiences of joy.

So I say to that aspect of self, it is my turn now to have a voice, it is my turn to thrive, all the while chanting....
I am letting go of the things that do not serve me.
I am letting go.
I am healed, I am made whole.

What will you say to that aspect of self?