Since I 've started writing more I can feel more of what has not been said brewing deep with in. Waiting for me to acknowledge it, hoping that I will start to uncover the layers allowing it to breathe and possibly even speak its truth. When I was eight my real mother died, after that I said to the deepest part of my soul, "I can't. I can't go on if she hasn't. It wouldn't be fair." I didn't realize I have been holding on to this deep seeded belief, that if she can't succeed in life I don't deserve to succeed either. This is both deeply saddening and extremely silly all in the same moment! It is the eight year old in me that needs to be healed and re parented. She wants to be encouraged and supported. She wants a safe place to try and fail, and try again till she gets it. With this she never wants to be judged, just simply loved unconditionally.
I am really realizing on some profound level, we create our own TRUTH! For whatever reason in most of our lives, we tell ourselves things that most likely are not encouraging or supportive. It seems, some how along the journey of growing up, some one's else's crap became ours. I didn't just decide, I claimed. I thought by wearing it and going through the same thing I was being supportive and doing my duty as a daughter. I had been taught many years ago that suffering doesn't serve anyone. If I want to serve from deep with in then give light to those around me. In other words be true to my soul. Listen to what it wants. By honoring it you honor the world. I encourage you with a gentle nudge to honor that which is in you and I will do the same.
- ▼ 2010 (25)