I've been inspired to move

I've been inspired to move blogging homes and have set up shop at http://inspirationforyoursoul.wordpress.com/. Please come see me here...I think the title fits better...

Namaste,

Tonia

Pattern of Three

I 'v e been in this pattern of three weeks, where I am vibrating with this amazingly clear energy and I am spot on with my intuition. Not long after I fall back into a lower vibration where I start to feel under fire and that I am not supported by the universe. Awe insights, just after I wrote this sentence I realized I am working on having my life work all the time, not just some of the time. I once was asked this question in a group setting "Are you willing to have you life work all the time, every day?" I remember my soul saying yes and my mind saying wow that could be a lot of work. I 've learned that to have the life we are meant to have full of goodness means we need to let go of the lack, limitations, fear, anger and any other negative emotion that is poison. Now mind you I know this is not easy. But if we choose and commit to this process the unfolding of our true nature is revealed and what a gift that is.

It seems the more I forgive myself and others I have truly made room for my good. My poison feels like a block of grey lead sitting on my heart. Once forgiven it starts melting into liquid and evaporates, which makes room for light to lovingly enter my heart. Having my heart open is a challenge for me because it wants to close right back up for fear of being hurt again. It is this that I have been healing for a while now. I have noticed though if I choose to do something creative my heart starts humming with goodness. For this I am so grateful! So I hope and pray that the world can find its goodness and heal.

Namaste,
Tonia

One Rose Pedal At A Time

I am drifting in between two worlds these days. It seems the more I give in to my soul's craving to meditate and pray the more my souls true nature reveals itself to me. Its like a rose that is starting to bloom one pedal at a time. For each petal that reveals itself, there is a truth that speaks to me from deep with in. My heart is open and weepy. I find myself feeling the emotions of the world, settling into its vibration. I am not sure where this will lead me, I just know that it feels right. It feels right to be open and to let my heart heal. Its a deep spiritual healing that humbles me. It brings tears to my eyes every time I am hit with a realization of my truth and my place in the world.

So with that comes the knowing that I need to forgive myself to make more room for the light to shine on my heart. I've been working on forgiving myself for having expectations of myself. Ones that I would never meet simply based on circumstance. I am angry for having these expectations, I feel like I have wasted so many years. I could be further along, I could have been happier in the early years. But truly what good does it do to hold on to the anger. I am just prolonging the expectation. Its time to let it melt away into the nothingness that it really is and allow the heart to heal.

So I say sweet felt thank you to the universe for gift of healing ones heart.

Namaste,
Tonia

There I still Am

Where ever I go there I still am. I realized today that I am in this place of having all false beliefs and what ever else that doesn't serve me stripped away. I just have me. At this point I am feeling abnormally calm about this. It feels like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders so that I could see with clear eyes the beauty of my own soul. This humbles me beyond words, it brings tears to my eyes every time my heart says "See your fabulous just on your own. You don't need to identify yourself by what you do or have." You see when I was younger it seemed all about a look or what job you had that made you who you where. I allowed myself to agree with that simply because I did not like who I was, I didn't think I had reason to like me. I let everyone else decide whether or not I was like able. Oh how I hurt my own soul and for that I am so very sorry.

As I become more aware of this I ponder how will I teach my own daughter to simply love being her? That no one else can be her. How do I teach her to fall in love with herself day in and day out? How do I nurture her amazing soul so she is not influenced by others but by the words of her heart? I have to admit I am nervous about this but this where my faith steps in. That something larger than myself to carry me through, to heal the wounds of my own soul so that I may bless the beauty of hers.

Namaste,
Tonia

Learning to Love

I've been in something that I can't quite put words too. I 've been cranky, irritated, and mad at myself and others. Quite frankly I am over myself and my pity party. I seems it can become a ridiculous cycle and it can go on and on and on if I let it. In part I am mad at myself for not being further in life, and at the same time I am a bit shocked that I even have this expectation about myself. It's a strange place to be when your standing in the middle seeing quite clearly the two different parts of your soul. They both have something to say of equal importants. I can't help but feel this might have something to do with learning to love myself and being kind to myself. I am unsure of how to do this, and I feel less than because I don't know how to love myself to the fullest. All the while its the very thing I am teaching my sweet little girl day in and day out.

I have to ponder where we learn to set expectations of ourselves, not that others are to blame for our choices. But what is it that makes these expectations have such an incredible influence on our Psyche and who's standards are we using? Especially if there is only one true us, how can anyone be the standard at which we are setting for ourselves. We are setting ourselves up for immediate failure and that seems like a long terrible way to live. So as I learn my way through this process of loving myself I say a prayer to the universe, "Please help me to be kind to myself and others all the while honoring my soul".

"Love is the True Nature of Our Soul"

I was listening to a cd and heard these words "Love is the true nature of the soul". I couldn't help but say out loud how beautiful that is and in that exact same moment my heart responded with a warm buzz acknowleding the truth that had been spoken. For those of you who know me, I don't just say my thoughts, I feel them. My emotions tend to build upon each other searching for the deepest truth of what is being felt. If it is true that we are a spiritual being having a human experience then we never have to search for love in our lifetime. We just to have maintain a space for love to live untouched by judgement and fear. This seems so clear in one moment and completely complicated in the next.

When reflecting on what this love would look like I envisioned a warm red heart humming with a beautiful glistening light shining through it and around it. All the while being protected by a bubble. I have danced with the vibration of love swirling around in it's essence. I have also found myself many times dancing with judgement and fear. It seems that for me to stay in the true nature of my soul I would have to forgive daily as well as pray daily. I love the saying that "the prayer doesn't change, prayer changes us." I encourage you to be in love with the true nature of your soul, even if just for a moment.

Namaste,
Tonia

Love Can Heal the World

Happy Valentine's Day dear friends! I was lucky to have a date with my hubby tonight, as well as the luxury of lingering in Barnes and Noble. I came across a newly released book titled "An Alter in the World" By Barbara Taylor. The idea of this book is that we keep looking for God as love outside of ourselves in distant places and that instead we should be seeing God as love in us and the everyday moments. I find that so fitting as today is valentine's day, the day about love. I love that a book has been written to allow for this idea that to find god (that something larger than ourselves) is to love ourselves and all that comes with living life. As a child the one thing I always said I wanted was to be loved. It was as if a part of my soul already new I would be on this spiritual quest to find love.

I find great beauty in reflecting how my definition and perspective of love has evolved over the years. As a young girl it was about if I am loved then I am OK. Come teenage years it was about the physical attraction that takes place with raging hormones. In the early twenties it was as if I had just combined the young girl and the teenager to become the young adult! The true shift came when I met Chris, my beloved. A piece of my heart settled in and said this it, he is your mate for a lifetime. Marriage has been an incredible lesson on love, it has challenged the very core of what I thought to be love. Here's what I know now, that your mate can only love you to the extent that you love yourself. Really this truth stands for all relationships. I am reminded of this truth quite often, especially when it is I who is feeling less than. It is in the moment of realization that I get it doesn't matter what he does, it is I who has to feel the love internally. When I feel love my heart hums. It a creates a vibration that extends into the world. I know now why the mystics say love can heal the world.

Namaste,
Tonia

Demonstration of Prayer

The young girl whom I wrote about in the last post crossed my path again. I had the chance to ask her if she was alright. The day she was in such distress I told her to pray for her highest and best good to come of this situation. She shared with me that because of that prayer doors opened that she didn't know where possible and that despite what had taken place she was hopeful for her future. My heart was cracked open again with Divine Truth.

I was reminded how powerful prayer is and how even more powerful it is to share our light with another. I am humbled by this deep calling to help the youth, to teach and inspire them to heal themselves so that they too can share their light with another. I don't know how this will unfold but I do know that if I honor the divine mind it will present itself. I will continue to listen to the calling of my heart and I urge you to do the same.

Namaste,
Tonia

Relationship to Self

I was reminded once again how important it is to have a loving relationship with ourselves. How the choices we make can be so greatly affected by whether or not we are connected to the deepest part of ourselves. I witnessed a young girl today who was in such despair about a poor choice that she had made. I couldn't help but wonder if her choice would have been different if she had loved herself more than she did in the moment that she chose. I wanted to reach out to her and let her know that she is not her choice. I wanted to tell her to forgive herself and remember the divine nature that she truly is. I have made plenty of poor choices in the past and did not love myself while choosing. How I wish at the time I had someone to tell me I am not my choice I just simply made a bad one for the moment and that I can choose again.

I am frustrated and saddened by a tendency to think that kids that act out our just bad kids and not worth the trouble. I don't believe this to be true from the deepest part of my soul. I see them as children that our just not whole and who are desperately trying to find themselves in anyway possible. I want so badly to save these children and give them hope. I want to teach them to love themselves and honor who they are. In the mean time I urge you to love yourself, and to teach your children to love who they are. I pray for the highest and best good for the children of the world.

Namaste,
Tonia

Living With A Soulful Edge

There is a reason I am constantly in search of healing and accepting my souls desire. I believe at great length by doing this we become better people. That by healing ourselves, we heal the world. It seems funny at times that we as humans tend to blame companies or the government for what is wrong but what we fail to remember is that it is people who run these companies and the government. I believe deep down that if people where really connected to their greater good the world would run in a harmonious vibration. That it would be this spread of good that was like being dusted with magic.

I have become a better mother, wife, daughter, and friend since I have been on this soulful journey that began twelve years ago. In this time I have realized that the healing isn't about a destination but the journey and the people I have soulfully connected with. It's the magic that takes place along the path that allows for us to open the gateways to more good. It's allowing that something greater than ourselves to work in our lives and to trust the aspirations of our soul. Knowing it is telling us its deepest truth. My prayer to the universe is that every human being connects to their souls desire and has the courage to honor it in this lifetime.

Namaste,
Tonia

"It's None Of My Business"

I am moved by words, the ones that speak to my soul. That tell me things I didn't know I felt. I read the title of this book "It's none of my business what you think of me". I've been told this before and kinda of got it but not really. At the time I was tangled to deeply into my own emotional junk to see with clear eyes. These words have got me churning and questioning my own soul of what this means to me. To take this further what would this mean to me if I took this title as a belief to live by. I 've been brewing about this for a few days now and really taking a good look at my psyche. Searching deep in my heart for an answer to this.

For one I would truly have to stop caring and responding to what people think of me. I would have to start acting in agreeance with this truth. To admit this is huge, its like signing a contract with God. It's relying on faith, knowing that I will be clearly directed to my life's purpose with ease and grace. It would mean to listen to the Divine Mind and not the ego mind. It would mean accepting that my path is my path, and that it is truly just between God and I. It would also mean I don't take on other peoples emotions and claim them as my own or give it too much unnecessary energy. Hence not giving away my power but honoring my power. The truth is I know these things deep deep within but I am fearful. I am uncomfortable but its too late to turn back because the truth heals. Once we become more conscious, its done. We can still choose but most likely if you choose to honor the knowledge within change does take place. So I say a prayer to God that this change takes place with a lot of grace and a large amount of joy.

Namaste,
Tonia

My Heart Burst Open From The Song of Children

God works in mysterious ways! It seems if we set our intentions and keep positive things happen. Things that seem like miracles amongst our everyday life. Last night I was helping at a bake sale and had the great honor of seeing a beautiful African children's choir perform. I had the honor of standing next to one of the children before they performed. I was blessed by their aura of hope that radiated from their being. My heart burst open and I felt like I too was radiating with hope. My prayer for the evening was "Wash away my doubt".

God melted the doubt and replaced it with inspiration. I felt deep in my soul that I have a calling to work with children of the world. I am most struck by this knowing that by helping them, I am really healing me. On a deep spiritual level this is part of my contract with God to uphold. To honor the good that will come from this. It seems I have always realized on some level that we as humans are not separate. We all hurt the same, just as we all dream about a better future the same. I pray for a day that we all realize we are not separate but connected. That every choice we make doesn't just affect us but it affects the world.

Namaste,
Tonia

I faced a Lion Today and Won

I once read that to face our fear is like facing a lion. A lion that doesn't really exist, just a figment of our imagination. I had a hunch today and I chose to honor it. I've been saying the prayer "Infinite Spirit, open the way for the Divine Design of my life to manifest; let the genius within me now be released; let me see clearly the perfect plan." I 've had a lot of ideas swirling around in my head about what my greater yet to be looks like. I 've narrowed it down to these areas: Artistry, Jewelry Designing, Spirituality, and Working with Children.

So today I went to a high end retailer to speak with them about selling my jewelry. On the drive over I was nervous, excited and then thought maybe this is just a bad idea. I love how when something is meant to be something larger than ourselves steps in to support our taking action! The manager of the jewelry department was so very helpful and supportive. He offered to have me bring my things in and share them with the staff so they could give their input. I left feeling so confident and so sure about what my clear path is.

Thank you sweet spirit for another amazing gift!

Namaste,
Tonia

Claiming My Good

I need to let go, I am holding on way too tight to something. I am not entirely sure what it is I am holding on to. I just know it has taken residence in my shoulders. It feels like that last bit you need to let go of before something amazingly great takes place in your life. It's almost like there is a part of self that thinks one way but the rest of myself has said, "I am claiming my GOOD!" So in essence a tug between the two. I am calling it a tug because why give it more energy than it really needs in order to vanish.

I've been saying my prayers and affirmations, I know these work. I have had many showings of these works through out my life that would not have happened had I not stated my desire to the universe. So I must state on many levels I am bursting with excitement for what is my Divine Right, my "GOOD" that I ought to have. Waiting with glad expectation for it to come! I believe the spiritual truth that every single person has a good for them and they ought to have it. So I ask you to listen for the good that is yours to claim trusting in Gods plan.

Namaste,
Tonia

Quote

I read these words the other day and they spoke deeply to me, "There is for each man, perfect self expression. There is a place which he is to fill and no one else can fill, something which he is to do, which no one else can do; it is his destiny!" I felt relieved and sadden all in the same moment after I read this quote. I felt like this quote gave me permission to just be myself and do what it is I do. And then I was upset with myself for wasting so much time caring what other people think of me. Because if there is truth to this quote, no one else can possibly be me and how on earth would I find the answer in someone else!

I can't help but ponder why we so seldom want to be who we are. Why we don't want to fill our own destiny or we resist it at such great lengths? For me to accept my destiny is to be at peace with the gift of intuition and how I am inspired to be the "perfect self expression" of me. So I say this prayer to the universe for us all "Infinite Spirit open the way for each person to find their own perfect self expression in a perfect way under grace"!

Namaste,
Tonia

Profound

Since I 've started writing more I can feel more of what has not been said brewing deep with in. Waiting for me to acknowledge it, hoping that I will start to uncover the layers allowing it to breathe and possibly even speak its truth. When I was eight my real mother died, after that I said to the deepest part of my soul, "I can't. I can't go on if she hasn't. It wouldn't be fair." I didn't realize I have been holding on to this deep seeded belief, that if she can't succeed in life I don't deserve to succeed either. This is both deeply saddening and extremely silly all in the same moment! It is the eight year old in me that needs to be healed and re parented. She wants to be encouraged and supported. She wants a safe place to try and fail, and try again till she gets it. With this she never wants to be judged, just simply loved unconditionally.

I am really realizing on some profound level, we create our own TRUTH! For whatever reason in most of our lives, we tell ourselves things that most likely are not encouraging or supportive. It seems, some how along the journey of growing up, some one's else's crap became ours. I didn't just decide, I claimed. I thought by wearing it and going through the same thing I was being supportive and doing my duty as a daughter. I had been taught many years ago that suffering doesn't serve anyone. If I want to serve from deep with in then give light to those around me. In other words be true to my soul. Listen to what it wants. By honoring it you honor the world. I encourage you with a gentle nudge to honor that which is in you and I will do the same.

Namaste,
Tonia

Happy Birthday Family

Today our Josie Rose turned four! As I said a sweet happy birthday to my darling girl, I couldn't help but say happy birthday family. I believe we are all interconnected in a deep spiritual way. That our hearts have gold strings attached to each other so that we may know the love that is shared between us in the deepest way possible. That her celebration of turning four is our celebration of getting her to the age of four. So much love and energy our put into raising and creating a family. Making sure all needs are met from every persons perspective.

I am awed by the experience of when ones heart is opened to unconditional love it can't help but hurt and love so greatly all in the same moment. I didn't know I was capable of loving so deeply until our sweet Josie Rose came along. This amazing child has chiseled away at the stone wall that once surrounded my heart. For this I am forever grateful. I am eagerly waiting for the day I can share with my daughter that she has been the most amazing gift of love from God. Till then I will surround her in gold strings fearlessly protecting the love that flows from me to her.

Namaste,
Tonia

Fear

Now that I have admitted I am resisting my greater yet too be, I must tackle the fear that comes with this truth. I have lived in fear many many years not being conscious of what I am fearing. I read some where that "fear is the anticipation of future pain". Reflecting on the words "future pain" I can't help but think that must mean their is a part of my Psyche once again that believes in order to claim and accept my greater yet to be it has to be painful.

Fear paralizes me until something greater than myself wraps its arms around me surrounding me like a warm mist. It is then that my eyes can see what I am fearing and my heart can finally feel what it has needed too in order to heal. Most of the time it's a deep hidden saddness of loss. When this saddness reveals itself I know I must allow for it to be experienced. It is only after this that I can start to take action towards my greater yet to be with more grace and ease.

So I thank you spirit for the gift of healing!

Namaste,
Tonia

Resisting My Greater Yet Too Be

I am resisting! I am aware of it on some level but not too its depth. But mostly the truth is when I sit and connect to the light from within I am resisting my greater yet too be. I am afraid to be great. What will people think? It seems safer to tell myself I can't, then to tell myself I can. I am not entirely sure where this believe came from or if its mine alone. Meaning could this believe been passed down from others and my consciousness believed some piece of it so it attached itself to it. At what point do I start to tell my story and not care about being judged or feel embarrassed?

I do know this, the part of my soul that wants the greater yet to be is speaking more loudly these days. Much louder than the part of my soul that is resisting. I can't help but acknowledge this truth. I am learning to behold myself which means acknowledging my souls deep truth of who it is. I am a spiritual teacher, I have the great gift of deeply knowing and feeling spiritual truths. For this I am deeply grateful knowing that this gift has served me many times all the while chanting...

Oh radiant light

From within and without

I will magnify you!

So the light within me honors the light within you!

Blessings,
Tonia

Yoga Anger Yoga

I forget things, I seem to be really good at that until my body reminds me I feel a certain way deep inside. I committed to doing hot yoga twice a week. It's the one way I feel I can get in a good work out but also give myself the space to reconnect with my body. When we make the conscious effort to be in our body we must also feel what our body is feeling. Anger seems to be the word of choice to describe how I feel when digging deep into my soul right in the middle of a room that is over 100 degrees.

I am not happy about feeling so angry but I know it is something I must face. The truth is I am afraid of my anger, I am afraid to know the truth behind it. Who am I really that angry with? I can admit I am angry with myself but to admit I am angry with God for taking my birth mother seems crazy for a person who has such a deep spiritual belief. I mourn my mother now more than ever, since having my own beautiful daughter. So I do what I know how to do and say, "I forgive you God" from my heart and then that same heart turns around and says, "Thank you God for the gift of life."

Namaste,
Tonia

Birds of a feather flock together...

As I was driving home from my fabulous birthday gathering last night, the phrase "Birds of a feather flock together" popped in to my thoughts. Growing up it was a phrase my mother would throw at me often, trying to get the point across "your friends are a reflection of who you are." I did not always agree with this statement. I had a tendency to feel for the troubled kids, so I would befriend them. Somewhere deep inside I felt that I could relate to their brokenness, it felt safe to know I wasn't the only one so broken.

It seems that my story line has changed and I didn't even notice it! The friends who I had spent my entire weekend with during different events are the most fabulous, kind, wondrous, creative beings. I am so blessed and grateful that these individuals choose to be around me, allowing me to bask in their glorious essence.

So I say a deep heartfelt thank you to the universe for the blessing of amazing friendships!

Namaste,
Tonia

Serendipity

I had the most amazing day yesterday of being guided to my greater good. I must share that I have had a long hidden desire to paint. This desire has been stuffed deep down inside me for a very long time. I had a vision of myself come to me many many years ago, I was painting a large red flower on this canvas and my being was one with the movement of the brush. Now mind you, I had never even picked up a paint brush.

Yesterday on my way to work I was thinking about if I would ever really be able to make it as an artist and what did that look like to me. I realized some aspect of self did not believe it was possible. So I did what I know to do best when a truth reveals itself. I declared out loud in the car to myself and the Universe I am an ARTIST and I will make a substantial living at this career one day.

So the same day I decided to go to Starbucks on my lunch, but not one I usually go to. As I pulled into the lot my eyes immediately caught sight of a store front that read "Artist Co Op". I was shocked to see this as I just stated my intention that morning. I was greeted by the most wonderful individual, who generously encouraged me to honor the artist with in. I left the store that afternoon with a definite yes in my heart that I too can have my dreams come true.

So I ask the question, What are your dreams?

Namaste,
Tonia

Birthday Love

Today I felt so much love and appreciation for who I am. I have been celebrated by many friends, coworkers and family members. I am so grateful for the love that has shown itself today!
Thank you sweet spirit! I will remember the essence of the day, forever cherishing it.

That has not always been my story, I have not always noticed the love that was shown my way. I was tangled like a web in my own emotional state for many many years. I am awed by what healing ones Psyche can do. How I truly perceive my world differently. I am wearing myself much better these days. A bit more confident while feeling the roots of my tree silently growing from within.

So thank you God for the gift of self!

Namaste,
Tonia

"Our Greater Yet To Be"

In order to have our greater yet to be I believe the truth of what we are telling ourselves must be revealed. I have been told many times "the truth heals." It has taken a while for me to grasp this concept. If we face what we want with truth then the rest of what we are hiding behind starts to peal away like an onion, so the truth of who are can be revealed with much love and light.

I have given my own power away many times, not allowing for my own voice to be heard or the truth of what I want even be known. Sometimes its hard to know the truth when it is tangled up but if we take the time to sit quietly and reflect, it will show itself. So what will you do with answer from with in? Will you give it a voice or will you pretend you did not hear it?

Namaste,
Tonia

Delighted

I am delighted today! There is a beautiful light vibrating from within of happiness and content. I feel so blessed to be starting the new year with such ease and grace and mental clarity. Something I have struggled with for years!

I think its funny how I thought my intention for 2009 was just going to be done and I would pick up a new one to replace it. That is not at all what had happened last night, I was and still am letting go and releasing so that the good can flow into my life. I realized last night that an aspect of self has been denying itself fun and experiences of joy.

So I say to that aspect of self, it is my turn now to have a voice, it is my turn to thrive, all the while chanting....

I am letting go of the things that do not serve me.
I am letting go.
I am healed, I am made whole.

What will you say to that aspect of self?

Tonia